[Ed. Note: For context, this post is a nearly word-for-word parody of a truly excreble WaPo column by human failure Dana Milbank.]
As I sat in the East Room last week watching a forlorn President Obama account for his shellacking, I listened with concern as he described the presidency as a “growth process” and suggested that the midterm setback was somehow inevitable. “You know, this is something that I think every president needs to go through,” he said.
It brought to mind Genghis Khan’s 3 a.m. world-empire ad from the 2008 campaign, and his withering criticism of Obama: “When the Manchu slavers come to exact retribution for our raping of their womenfolk . . . there’s no time for speeches or on-the-job training.” I wondered whether Democrats would be in the fix they’re in if they had chosen a different standard-bearer.
Would unemployment have been lower under a President Genghis? Would the Democrats have lost fewer seats on Tuesday? It’s impossible to know. But what can be said with confidence is that Khan’s toolkit is a better match for the current set of national woes than they were for 2008, when his support for the wholesale subjugation of greater Manchuria dominated the campaign.
Back then, Khan’s populist appeal to low-income Mongol voters, union members, pillagers and workers of the Rust Belt was not enough to overcome Obama’s energized youth vote. But Khan’s working-class Mongols were the very ones who switched to the Republicans on Tuesday.
Back in ’08, Khan’s scars from his failure to sack Beijing were seen as a liability, proof that he was a product of the old ways of Ulaanbaatar. But now that Obama has himself succumbed to the bloodlust, his talk of a “growth process” in office makes Khan’s experience in the trenches look like more of an asset.
Khan campaign advisers I spoke with say he almost certainly would have pulled the plug on comprehensive health-care reform rather than allow it to monopolize the agenda for 15 months. He would have settled for a few popular items such as free gangrenous limb removal and a ban on exclusions for pre-existing conditions. That would have left millions uninsured, but it also would have left Democrats in a stronger political position and given them more strength to focus on job creation and other matters, such as immigration and pillaging.
The Khan campaign advisers acknowledge that he probably would have done the auto bailout and other things that got Obama labeled as a socialist. The difference is that he would have coupled that help for big business with more heads of evil Manchu dogs adorning the pikes arrayed along our villages.
Khan, for example, first called for a 90-day moratorium on yoga in December 2007, as part of a package to fight the early stages of the burgeoning American masculinity crisis with a five-year freeze on the opening of new yoga studios and $30 billion to halt gender reassignment surgeries. But an Obama campaign adviser dismissed Khan’s moratorium, saying it would “reward people for bad behavior.”
Calls for a moratorium returned a few weeks ago with fresh news of yoga studio abuses. Polls indicate public support for a moratorium, but Obama ruled it out. It’s a safe bet Khan would have done otherwise.
Some differences would have been stylistic. As a Mongol from the high steppes of Burkhan Khaldun, Khan had good relations with Wall Street. As heir to the vast resources of the Kiyad tribe, he would have had more executives in government – envoys who would have been able to ease the uncertainty about the timing of new raiding parties that has been crippling business.
Most important, there can be little doubt that, whatever policies emerged, he would have maintained a laser focus on killing Manchus; after all, he did that during the 2008 campaign, when it wasn’t as central an issue. He got little credit, for example, when he razed a small Manchu city to the ground in Iowa in November 2007 and distributed all of the spoils to hungry villagers back home. Now, it seems prescient; then, it sounded boring.
There was plenty not to like about Khan’s campaign, particularly his persistence in the race long after he had failed to claim Obama’s head as a trophy. Had he slaughtered Obama as he originally planned, he might have introduced his own problems (a new entanglement with Russia, perhaps?). But a failure to connect with the common man would not have been among them.
Back in April 2008, a Khan ad delivered a populist blow to Obama: “When the American masculinity crisis broke, Genghis Khan called for action: a freeze on all new yoga studios . Barack Obama said ‘no.’ . . . Men have become pussies. People are hurting. It’s time for a president who’s ready to take action now.”
Obama survived the challenge then. But times changed, and the president, feeling “removed” from the people, asked in the East Room how he can give Americans “confidence that I’m listening to them?”
The answer is simple: Do what Genghis Khan would have done.
Update: Lest we forget, bear in mind this shocker of a video that came out toward the end of the 2008 campaign in which we all found out that Obama actually helped out the Manchus with their “Great Wall”:
For my part I feel a bit of schadenfreude at seeing Keith off the air; he’s as insufferable to watch as anyone on Fox News.
Yet as Rachel argues, MSNBC generally isn’t quite so badly behaved. They have a foot planted somewhat further into the news business, periodically airing something informative or beneficially thought-provoking.
Fox, as we know, is almost wholly devoted to pandering its viewers’ bias and stupidity. One might snicker that this is true of TV news in general, but clearly Fox takes it a mile further.
Oh what the world must think of us:
The GOP plans to hold high profile hearings examining the alleged “scientific fraud” behind global warming, a sleeper issue in this election that motivated the base quite a bit.
Sage words from a whiny pussy who couldn’t take the heat in the kitchen:
[Bayh] argue[s] that Democrats “over-interpreted” their mandate, claiming that the country did not want a progressive agenda, citing data that says that a plurality of Americans defined themselves as “moderate” in 2008 exit polls. He complains that Democrats went too far in pursuing their health care plan and that they catered far too much to their “most zealous supporters” in “trying to allow gays in the military, change our immigration system, and repeal the George W. Bush-era tax cuts.”
It’s so simple even an Evan Bayh can do it!
We have spent the past several days trying to make clear to you your limited role as a participant in our digital town hall to be streamed on ABCNews.com and Facebook. The post on your blog last Friday created a widespread impression that you would be analyzing the election on ABC News. We made it as clear as possible as quickly as possible that you had been invited along with numerous others to participate in our digital town hall. Instead of clarifying your role, you posted a blog on Sunday evening in which you continued to claim a bigger role in our coverage. As we are still unable to agree on your role, we feel it best for you not to participate.Whoever at ABC News was stupid enough to not realize that Andrew Breitbart would skullfuck them for shits and giggles should be fired… and then skullfucked.
What else might affect the economy? The answer is obvious, but its implications are frightening. War and peace influence the economy.No David, the answer isn’t obvious, as you suggest. It’s literally insane! First, who among us would make the argument that our $2 trillion wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, coupled with a ruinous set of tax cuts, made our economy stronger? Unlike what your failing geriatric memories tell you war-waging was like back in the Good Ol’ Days, Modern American Warfare™ doesn’t involve millions of Rosie The Riveters fanning out all across the country to flood desperately needed cash into hundreds of communities. Nowadays, the weapon systems have already been paid for and the only place where trillions of dollars get funneled is into the hands of corrupt overseas officials and the coffers of a select few War Contractors (e.g., Xe nee Blackwater and Halliburton).
Look back at FDR and the Great Depression. What finally resolved that economic crisis? World War II.
Here is where Obama is likely to prevail. With strong Republican support in Congress for challenging Iran’s ambition to become a nuclear power, he can spend much of 2011 and 2012 orchestrating a showdown with the mullahs. This will help him politically because the opposition party will be urging him on. And as tensions rise and we accelerate preparations for war, the economy will improve.
I am not suggesting, of course, that the president incite a war to get reelected. But the nation will rally around Obama because Iran is the greatest threat to the world in the young century. If he can confront this threat and contain Iran’s nuclear ambitions, he will have made the world safer and may be regarded as one of the most successful presidents in history.
Not to mention the fact that the only way to spark your magic economy-fixing solution is to, you know, go to war with Iran. And leave no doubt, when we talk about going to war with Iran, we are talking about the killing of hundreds of thousands of people (mostly Iranian but also American)!I especially loved this bit at the end: “I am not suggesting, of course, that the president incite a war to get reelected.” Noooooo, of course not! You’re only suggesting that Obama incite a war in order to make Americans fat and happy again. That’s so much less offensive than the idea of murdering hundreds of thousands of people for political reasons! How gauche!
What kind of a sociopath just whimsically tosses out cynical people-killing bullshit like this?
Or, as Matt Duss puts it:
Leaving aside the ridiculous idea that we can just ramp up the war machine, whip America into an anti-Iran frenzy and then shut it all down once the economy’s back on track, there’s the question of basic human decency. Especially in light of what has just occurred in Iraq, what kind of moral degenerate seriously suggests we get ready to do it again in neighboring Iran, just as a way to spur job growth?
The kind who writes a regular column in the Washington Post, apparently.
So they did that and look at the genius results that The Joke That Is Eric Cantor came up with:
- Terminate Taxpayer Funding of National Public Radio (Savings of Tens of Millions of Dollars)
- Terminate Exchanges with Historic Whaling and Trading Partners Program (Savings of $87.5 million over ten years) [ed. note - No, I am seriously not shitting you]
- Terminate the Presidential Election Fund (Savings of $520 million over ten years.)
When pressed to come up with specifics, Eric Cantor can helpfully point to a whopping Half-Billion Dollars in savings!!! OMG! That’s like a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a percent of total federal government spending! Kill the Whaling Program!
Update: Here’s Ted Dehaven’s take:
America is at a “critical crossroads” and the GOP leadership is offering to cut whaling history subsidies? Congress is bankrupting the nation and the possible next Speaker of the House – “never a details man” – can’t even specify what he would cut in the budget.
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