I went to the gym yesterday. This is something I don’t usually do, but I have this gym membership and sometimes I feel the need to extract some value out of it. Unfortunately one of the TVs is always tuned to FOX News (admittedly, another is always on CNN. Balance!). But I am always able to gather some tidbits from the experience. Such as:

  • They spent ten consecutive minutes on the latest “bombshell” FBI texts. Honestly, I’m sort of surprised it was that little. I didn’t have any access to the sound–I’m not that much of a masochist–though it was close-captioned. Look, obviously I am not going to agree with them on the import of this stuff but it really seemed like they couldn’t fill the time. They just had a series of random right-wingers on who said the same things. Yes, it’s an outrage. Yes, Tucker, they should be fired. Filler. Live by Trump Twitter I guess. (The texts, of course, fell well short of “Mwahaha, we will frame Trump with Russia!” but Trump does know how to keep the puke funnel locked and loaded, I’ll give him that.
  • Hilariously, the notion of Carter Page as a colluder with Russia was put in scare quotes. Guys.
  • Tucker Carlson seems as though he’s put on ten more pounds every single time I see him on his show. I can remember when he was the hunky conservative guy with the bow tie. (It doesn’t look like food fat to me either, if you know what I mean, but who knows.) Also, he’s a terrible actor. His concerned face would be laughed out of community theater. And the pained smile when he was trying to convey amusement was so painful to look at. I may be reading into things but man alive did I feel like I saw his soul in those moments. I honestly hope he’s okay, but it’s not like he was drafted into this.
  • Mark Steyn came on at a point and, ideology aside, I wonder why he is on television. Aside from some exaggerated mugging at the beginning when he was tossing out some japes, it was so obvious he was reading a teleprompter the entire time, his eyes fixed on the same place right below the camera, never moving. It was like when an athlete hosts Saturday Night Live. Talk to the camera you moron! (Also, the mugging was straight out of “the kindergarten teacher’s husband is subbing today.” Forced.)
  • Lotsa “gold” coin ads, which are all doctored to look like U.S. currency but aren’t. Are they still legal tender in Liberia? Or are they just completely worthless? The truly tragic part was one of these companies offering a free “fix your IRA” pamphlet. Goddamn it! Do not put your retirement money in fake coins, oldsters! Nobody’s going to accept those after the apocalypse!

Sorry, but that’s all I got. Just in case you were curious about what’s going on with all that…

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