Now that a federal judge ruled that California’s same-sex marriage ban was unconstitutional, many proponents of Proposition 8 are scrambling for new ways to stop gay marriage. Here are some strategies:

• Launch a nationwide movement to redefine heterosexual marriage as “super-marriage“
• Nonstop purity balls
• Allow students to shower with opposite-sex peers in gym class
• A cap-and-trade system in which homosexual couples can buy marriage credits when heterosexual couples get divorced or die
• Proposition 233, a new law requiring all couples who seek a marriage license, regardless of their sexuality, to submit a detailed plan for returning California to fiscal solvency
• If any of your uncles feel weird about it, the wedding’s off
• Spend $90 million on a bold ad campaign for Oregon that highlights the state’s quaint scenery, abundance of antique shops, and many nonjudgmental communities
• Just keep the protest signs in front yards comin’